TOXIC PEOPLE

TOXIC PEOPLE Circumstances and people in our lives, sometimes call upon us to take refuge. The first time I heard someone call another person “toxic” I was shocked. It seemed so harsh & sweeping a condemnation. IT may have impacted me harder because it was uttered by “More Spiritual Than Thou” Sort of person who taught a spiritual practice. I decided it would be a phrase I would not use.. Yet, my work with people as a Life Coach and hypnotherapist has clearly illustrated that some people habitually and continually fall on ways of communicating with others which seem to poison nearly every interaction they have. Perhaps they begin as sarcastic witticists, poking jokes and passive aggressive digs at friends & relatives… or sometimes they are fixers and “helpers”; continually offering unsolicited advice … Their modes of delivery vary. Their motives (known or unbeknown) vary, but their effect on others is somewhat uniform. We try, throughout our lives, to keep a forward motion, roll with the punches, go with the flow and to keep a high focus, with our line of vision set at a hopeful, reasonably confident level, so we can function at our highest potential and proceed towards our goals. I have always felt that my most intimate relationships must support this .Most have and do. Over time, some relationships deteriorate, or we come to see them more clearly and find that they consistently lead us to feel hurt, criticized, ridiculed or diminished and /or angry. Anger in my experience is often a cover up for other emotions which cause us to feel disempowered. So it is the impetus of pain, disappointment, anger and a sense of having reached a “last straw” point in a relationship which has caused many people to arrived at a “ cease and desist “ stage in important relationships of long standing in their lives. I never thought I’d be one of them but recently, in the past year I’ve discovered a new found protectiveness emerge over how I spend my time, and who I surround myself with … I call this gathering my Allies, something I do in my spiritual and in my physical life. Thich Nhat Hahn discusses taking refuge as creating "an environment where you are safe from assailment or attack." In his book "Going Home - Jesus and Buddha As Brothers“ , Hahn quotes the 4th Mindfulness training: "Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech, and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speak truthfully with words that inspire self confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain, or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to split apart.. I will make every effort to reconcile all conflicts however small." (The 4th Noble Truth ) When will all learn to really be open and loving in all our communications ? When will we be vigilant to not attack, or defend preconceived ideas & opinions, leaving ourselves closed to new information or views? When will we cease to be inflexible and confrontational waiting for an opportunity to jump in and negate the ideas and opinions of others as invalid, while continuously attempting to drive home our "superior “ truths ? Most of us have, or have had, people like this in our family, work or social lives. Sometimes we have found ourselves drawn into a downward spiral of drama, accusations and defenses, spending an inordinate amount of time ruminating, brooding, trying to determine our part in yet another conflict with these people in our lives, agonizing on how to remedy or resolve the situation. We must speak the truth, speak out against injustice (even against ourselves). And it’s essential that we establish, enforce and request that others respect our boundaries and wishes to be allowed to create and sustain for a peaceful balanced, harmonious life. Such a life requires us to be diligent in being aware of what we allow into our personal sphere of influence. I have been working on this for some time and have decided that in order to take part in world change I must undergo a transformation. I decided to stop eating meat as a symbol of my stand against violence and due to my compassion for all sentient beings. I make a great effort not to engage in gossip and abstain from over exposure to negative sensationalist news, foul or uncharitable talk and any activities and influences which derail me in my efforts to live my life as I would like to see the rest of the world live. The culling away of undesirable elements from my life has resulted in a parting of the way from habitually angry people, liars, those who purposefully diminish the reputations of others for their own gain, people who find it necessary to use foul language most of the time, people whose ethics are not in alignment with mine, and those who frequently attack, insult, criticize and belittle me. As many of you have experienced sometimes no one can do this as well as an close friend, or a close relative. Heartbreaking as it can be to those desiring to keep old ties and close family contacts intact, sometimes people must, after repeated failed attempts to establish those clear boundaries of what is and what isn’t acceptable to us, sever these ties and bless and release these people out of our lives. This doesn’t mean you should set out to remove all difficult people from your life. Personal emotional mental and spiritual development requires that we The result will be clear to you, immediately after your clear cut decision. The amount of time this will free up in your life is amazing, as is the “incredible lightness of being.” You’ll feel as if you’ve taken a stand for your self and your life, and although you may mourn what could have been, if your attempts for a redefinition of the relationship with new parameters and ground rules could have succeeded, I believe you may feel as I do, free to be your Authentic Self without censure and eager to continue with the fulfillment of a life less hampered by, not “toxic people”, but toxic relationships, and the ensuing damaging emotions they arouse .